Jonathan Barnette

Lines By Jonathan Barnette:

10
You'd think he would be a little more gracious for me cleaning up that mess.
8
But instead he picked up a shovel and started running toward me.
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So I yelled down the street at the top of my lungs.
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Plus, she just broke up with this douche of a boyfriend she's been dating for eight months.
5
You might think this is poor product placement in a story.
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I mean, any girl who won't put up with my shit and then throws it back at me?
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I had to act quick—maybe save the day and get a ride!
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And this old Amish dude cracks his whip, stops his buggy, and pulls over.
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It's really a shitty service.
4
My Elite Arms JD-15 5.56 AR-15 assault rifle.
23
I still didn't have a ride, so I made a reservation with Uber.
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So I turned on my sprinkler.
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I soaked the crap out of that dude.
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They never show up on time.
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I mean, just cause I live in rural Indiana, shouldn't I be able to get a ride too?
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I have never in my life seen an Amish guy curse that much.
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"Sarah, answer the fucking phone you whore!
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It was a gray dreary day in November.
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One day a Best Buy employee was drinking a Coca-Cola and walking into a Bed Bath & Beyond on his lunch break.
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And again.
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Then I leave her a message.
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And that's when I knew she would be my wife.
6
And closer.
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But just in the nick of time I pulled it out.
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He got closer.
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So my battery was dead.
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Upon cranking my car I realized that *someone* had left the interior light on.
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And so my journey began.
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I called Sarah.
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The only thing I had to do was go vote.
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"I'll just see if my coworker, Sarah, can pick me up."
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That bitch screened my call!
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You should have seen the look on his face!
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But I can assure you that Google, Yahoo, and Bing did not pay me for this.
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"No problem," I thought.
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I know she's there.
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I call again.
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"Can anyone give me a ride?"
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A massive mud puddle.
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He jumped out of his buggy and SPLASH!
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"Go to hell," it says.
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I need a damn ride."
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Fifteen minutes later she texts me back.